Using STOPP to deal with difficult situations
You can use STOPP when something someone says or does, provokes you. You are about to jump in and say or do something you will probably regret later. Using STOPP gives you space to think more objectively about how you want to react in the heat of the moment. It gives you more choice about how to respond.
Firstly - Get curious. Learn to identify early signs of trouble when you are suddenly experiencing strong unhelpful feelings / difficult thoughts. What are the signs that you have been “triggered”? for example do you start squeezing your fists, or tapping your pen or foot, or feeling irritated or become very critical. The earlier you can catch these “triggered symptoms” the more likely you are to succeed to manage them. Once you notice, you can use STOPP.
Stop. Pause, relax. Lean back in your seat.
Take some Breaths. Take at least three deep slow breaths, pay attention to the breath coming in and out of your body, feel the weight of your body on the seat, or in your feet.
Observe what is happening to you (without immediately needing to act). Pay attention to sensations in your body, your feelings, your thoughts.
Pull back / Put in Perspective. Reflect on what is happening. Who is doing what and what are your key concerns. Take a helicopter view. Is this fact or opinion. How might someone else whom you respect, view this situation? What is important to you here?
Practice what works. Choose what do you want to do in this situation. What are your options. Do you need a break before you deal with the situation. What is the best thing for me to do now - for me, for others, for the situation. Put off sending an email till you have calmed down.
With thanks to Carol Vivyan 2009. Adapted from Ciarrochi and Bailey 2008
NB - in the above situation, something happens and we are activated in some way so that we do not necessarily respond effectively. It can be that we respond in an habitual way (e.g. with a flash of anger) that is not appropriate or skilful in the situation. The aim of the above suggestions, is to return to a more objective, and re-sourced state, where we can choose to respond more thoughtfully and effectively, rather than be driven by habitual responses. This requires curiosity, interest, skill and persistence. You could say it is an art you are learning by using STOPP, that requires work.
You may prefer to listen to a short audio recording of how to use STOPP - it gives the same information in the spoken word as the written text above. If so, listen to this STOPP recording which lasts 3 minutes:-
You may also be interested to look at The Ladder of Inference by Chris Argyris https://thehumanfactor.biz/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Ladder-of-Inference-Overview.pdf